CHOLLYWOOD!

If you've heard of Bollywood- I'd be surprised. An obvious rip-off from the slightly- just slightly- more developed Hollywood film industry, Bollywood dominates the pop culture in Northern India. "C" movies at best, they are usually about 1/3 recylced romance (one plot was Sweet Home Alabama with everyone in saris), 1/3 Chuck Norris karate action, and 1/3 musical... out of control. NOW- if you've ever heard of CHOLLYWOOD... i'd call you a liar. This is Bollywood's stepchild- straight from (CH)ennai- and with as much objectivity and as little judgement as possible- probably the worst thing i've ever seen. The movies that come out of this industry are like bad 70's films- we had them... we loved them... BUT WE STOPPED WATCHING THEM! These people love them, continue to watch them, and don't stop making them! I hate to be critical- this is "culture"! I should be learning actors names, attending sneak previews, and singing songs. If there was netflix here, I should be queing the shit out of these things. BUT- it just doesn't work like that. There are plenty of things in the entertainment business in the States that I think is cheesy and wrong... I think i'm allowed to have a similar opinion here without risking the "closed-minded" scarlet letter... even if I'm branded, it's justified- this is literally, the worst thing you've ever seen.
HOWEVER- this is not to say that if I had the opportunity to appear on Tamil TV, regardless of quality, I would pass up the opportunity. On the contrary, anyone who knows THIS guy, knows that a showbiz STAR lurks just under the surface- and usually makes an appearance with the slightest encouragement... or a few cocktails! SO- when we ran into Nirmal on the bus heading to AVM STUDIOS- the home of South India's film machine- it was only natural that I was led directly on stage, making my first appearance on Tamil TV! Did you catch that his name was Nirmal...
So Nirmal- here's the breakdown: 60 year-old Indian guy who acted like he was 35 and kept having us ask him how old he was, wearing gold-rimmed glasses straight off of "Three's Company", an orange ascics shirt, khakis that were a just too short, 3 gold chains, 2 gold bracelets, and Jerry Seinfeld tennis shoes- this guy was awesome... and, again, his name was NIRMAL.
When he found out we wanted to see the studios, he immediately started listing off all the movies he personally had been in, actors he was friends with, and the exclusive access we'd get to all the sets with him as our guide. He was loud, effusive, course, and extremely excited. We got denied by the first set we approached, naturally. Undefeated, Nirmal takes us to the neighboring set and, lying through HIS TEETH, gets us into a full-blown tv show. Pointing at me, he starts yelling that I am a Hollywood actor. "He has starred in... 20 FILMS!" "Please let him in, he is visiting... FROM HOLLYWOOD!" This guy was insane- but the most ridiculous part was, they believed him.
And picture us: I was in dirty clothes from traveling that couldn't have smelled worse. Kyle had spilled coconut chutney all over his shirt and hadn't shaved in months. Haley was sweating like a pig and Ryan, jet-lagged and reeling, was falling asleep... Hollywood would have been proud!
Before we knew it, we were being ushered into the "live audience"- which consisted of 20 Indian guys yelling in Tamil, grabbing our hands and laughing hysterically- each one had the most enormous moustache. Within minutes, the music starts playing, the camera is in our face, and we are dancing like cobras- My hands are above my head, i'm waving my neck around, flicking my tongue, my eyes are swivelling back and forth- full blown, dirty, American cobra! As soon as that's done, we are pushed on stage for the grand finale. There we are, jumping in circles, half-yelling half-yoddling, not really sure if they are loving us or thinking, "These are the most ridiculous Americans we've ever seen..." Not sure. Don't care. We took pictures with the stars, rattled off a few Hollywood movies and Broadway plays we performed in, and got the hell out of there. 3 Days in Chennai, 2 hours dominating the Chennai movie complex, 1 Nirmal. Dancing like cobras on Indian TV- Priceless!